Kaiba, Serenity, JoeyWhere do the police fit in?
by b-chan1
Summary: Kaiba's going on a date with Serenity, but Joey doesn't quite approve. So he decides to give Kaiba a little test.


Well, I finally decided to stop being lazy and write something. So I did. This thing was inspired by the fic "Oniisan syndrome" or whatever it is, by Kat-chan. Go read her stuff. It's good. It's mostly Digimon, so if you've been looking for some interesting stuff to read in that section, you should check her out. She's also got a fun YGO fiction up there, too.  
  
'Kay, that was my shameless plug.  
  
This is mostly to get me in the mood to write some sort of Joey x Mai fic. Cause I think they so damn cute.  
  
Edit: I hate ff.net formatting. The thing is bloody impossible to make look right.  
  
XXXXX  
  
Kaiba sighed. He was a powerful businessman. People quailed when he was angry, and kissed his feet when he wasn't. He made people's lives miserable with a single word. He didn't make empty threats, and he had a pad of paper enititled, "You'll never work in this town, again". Kaiba wasn't afraid of anything. He paid people to be afraid for him. Then he fired them for not taking risks. Of course, he usually ended up hiring them soon, so that they could warn him of doing stupid things, at which point he fired them again for telling him that he was wrong. It was a convoluted sort of love-hate relationship that Kaiba had with the folks in that section.  
  
In any case, Kaiba didn't waste him time fearing things. That way, he could work on getting important things done, like running Kaibacorp, and taking care of Mokuba.  
  
And going on this date with Serenity. That was important, too. However, dating Joey's sister is the most important thing that presented an immediate threat to Kaiba's current health and well-being. However much Serenity and Kaiba got along, Joey would happily take a stake and drive it through Kaiba's heart. And then go eat lunch, laughing about it.  
  
Unfortunately, Kaiba was a firm believer that a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. And as a man, Kaiba had to go on this date, Joey notwithstanding.  
  
Taking a deep breath, Kaiba checked the number on the apartment door, then knocked. Timidly. Steeling himself, he knocked again.  
  
Before his hand made contact with the finished wood, it opened. Kaiba almost didn't manage to stop himself from punching Joey in the face. Not that he didn't want to, it was just that if he did, Joey would throw Kaiba out of the building. Probably through a window.  
  
Joey glared at Kaiba, then moved to the side. "You can come in", he muttered.  
  
Kaiba smiled, trying to be friendly. "Thank you". He entered, and saw Tristan sitting in a chair. He looked decidedly UN-friendly. To Kaiba, he looked bad.  
  
Joey closed the door, and sat on the couch. Helplessly, Kaiba looked around for Serenity, his lifeboat out of this place.  
  
"She's in her room getting ready. She will take a while. During that while, you will stay here. With us. In this room. While we test you". Tristan leaned forward during his little speech.  
  
Joey took up the slack. "If ya pass da test, den you can go on your date wit' Serenity. If ya fail, ya won't".  
  
Kaiba relaxed. He had been expecting some sort of added pressure, to make him sweat a bit. That was the sort of thing Joey would do.  
  
"Oh yeah. An' Tristan an' I will beat the crap outta ya."  
  
Yes, something like that. Kaiba began sweating. Joey began smiling.  
  
"What are the questions, m-.Joey?  
  
Joey frowned. "Dat was da first one. An' you got it right, sadly. Now, for the second."  
  
Tristan started it. "When Serenity comes out of that door, she'll be wearing something. What will it be?"  
  
Kaiba snorted. What did these guys think there were doing? "Despite all appearances, I'm not psychic. Try asking me a question I can answer, here."  
  
Joey grinned, evily. "Wrong. Da correct answer was 'Beautiful. Stunning. Dashing. Incredible. Amazing.' Any one a' dose would have been correct. So far, yer failin'".  
  
Kaiba began sweating again. This was bad. In the way your mind wanders when you're contemplating imminent doom, he wondered how Mokuba was doing.  
  
XXXXX  
  
Mokuba sat happily on the couch, drinking Coke and eating Pringles. During a commercial break, he wondered idly how Big Brother was doing. He was only a little worried, Big Brother was smart enough to take care of himself.  
  
Suddenly, it occurred to Mokuba why Big Brother was so worried about going on this date; Serenity was Joey's siser. They weren't good friends, as Mokuba recalled.  
  
Oh dear..  
  
XXXXX  
  
"Question 43: What is the best adjective you can use to describe Serenity?  
  
Kaiba smiled. He knew he could answer this one. "Per-"  
  
"Perfect doesn't count, by the way."  
  
Kaiba stopped his smiling. Time to try something a little desperate. "Sexy?"  
  
Joey growled, angry that Kaiba could think of Serenity in that base way. "Wrong answer, twerp. You just lost half ya points."  
  
"What? That's completely unfair!!" Protested Kaiba.  
  
Joey smirked at him. "Here, we ain't concerned wit' fair."  
  
XXXXX  
  
Mokuba wondered briefly if Big Brother was dead yet. Then his show came back on.  
  
C'mon, he's only a little kid. You can't expect him to worry about something when he's watching TV, can you?  
  
XXXXX  
  
Kaiba sighed, wondering how much longer this cruel interrogation would last.  
  
"Now, it's time ta test yer devotion ta Serenity".  
  
Kaiba looked up. How could they possibly test that?  
  
The closet door creaked open, and out stepped a lady. A very sexy lady. A very sexy Mai Valentine lady.  
  
"Hey, handsome. How ya doing?"  
  
Kaiba quailed, and Tristan made a little 'X' on the sheet.  
  
XXXXX  
  
Mokuba giggled at the antics of Bugs Bunny and Sylvester, happily oblivious to Big Brother's plight.  
  
XXXXX  
  
"Question one-hunnerd an' twenny-seven. When Serenity comes out, what'll she be wearin'?"  
  
Kaiba groaned, internally. The questioning had gone on for what seemed like an hour, but was probably closer to 45 minutes. Recognition dawned on his face when he heard the question. "You already asked me that, remember? It was the first question you gave me, honored sir".  
  
(Aside: The spiffy new title for Joey is left over from question number 78: What do I want you to call me, asked by Joey. Honored sir was only one of the three choices, the other two were Master, and Lord High Almighty Joey, ruler over I. Kaiba opted for Honored Sir, deciding it was the lesser of two evil. He tried using none of them, and lost another half of his points. This was really making him nervous.)  
  
"Wrong. The proper answer was "Beatiful, stunning, amazing, or incredible. Since we already asked you that once, I thought that would be a freebie. You know, I'm not sure if Serenity should be dating somebody who can't get a question that simple the second time around."  
  
Joey laughed, ready for his next question. "Alright, Kaiba. If yer so smart, prove it. Show us something really smart ya can do."  
  
Quickly, Kaiba grabbed his little notepad from his coat pocked and derived the Quadratic Formula. When he was finished, he tore the sheet off and handed it to Joey. That one he got, Kaiba was sure of it.  
  
"Well, you did do something smart, but ya get no credit."  
  
Kaiba sighed, asking, "What did I do wrong, Honored Sir?"  
  
Joey looked at him quizzicly. "I'll never work in this town again? I don' even wanna know." Kaiba could feel his heart sinking into his stomach, where it would be safe from any stakes Joey might have on hand.  
  
XXXXX  
  
Mokuba's show had ended, and now he was bored. Struck with a flash of inspiration, he decided to check up on Big Brother, see how the date was going.  
  
He ran to the phone and dialed in the number of Big Brother's personal cellphone, so that he would know it was Mokuba.  
  
XXXXX  
  
Kaiba's cellphone began ringing. His personal one. To which only Mokuba knew the number. The one with the special ring.  
  
"Iiiit's a smaaaal world aaaafter aaaaal, iiiit's a smaaal world aaaafter aaaalll.." The tinny voice from the phone cheerfully chirped out the incredibly annoying song, oblivious to the plight Kaiba was in.  
  
"." Joey stared at Kaiba, then began to snicker. "Yer cell plays 'It's a small world'?"  
  
Gritting his teeth, Kaiba replied. "It's my personal cell. Only Mokuba knows the number. I have it so that I can tell when he's calling me, instead of a business-man."  
  
The cellphone stopped ringing, indicating that Mokuba had gone to voicemail. Something nagged at Kaiba, something he had told Mokuba. If he didn't answer the phone.Mokuba should do something. Kaiba knew it was important, he just didn't know what.  
  
"Alright, on with the questions. Number 243."  
  
Kaiba put it out of his mind, focusing on something else.  
  
XXXXX  
  
Mokuba gasped. He had gotten routed to voicemail. That never happened, Big Brother had promised him that he would always answer that phone, unless something had happened and he was unable to. If that happened, Mokuba was supposed to do something. Big Brother had made him promise.what? Oh yes, Mokuba remembered. If Big Brother didn't answer his personal cell, it meant he was in trouble, and Mokuba should call the police.  
  
Fingers quivering with excitement, Mokuba dialed 911. "Hello? Yes, I'd like to report a murder. Yes."  
  
After giving the address of Joey's apartment, Mokuba ran out of the house so he could intercept the police. He had to be there to give the police all the evidence, right?  
  
XXXXX  
  
In the distance, sirens rang.  
  
Kaiba twitched, the sirens disturbing his concentration. "C'mon, Kaiba. If you're so smart, why can't you square root Pi in your head?"  
  
Sweat dripped down Kaiba's nose, obscuring the numbers he was writing on his hand secretly. "Out of curiosity, what does this have to do with dating Serenity?"  
  
Joey glanced at him. "Nothing. It's question number 17 on the math homework, and I ain't sure how ta do it. So I asked you."  
  
His mind at ease, Kaiba began the arduous task of writing on his hand again, avoiding the sweat droplet.  
  
"Oh, an' Tristan? He can use paper, actually."  
  
Kaiba glared at Tristan venomously, then snatched his "You'll never work" pad out of his pocket and began copying all the figures from his hand to his paper.  
  
XXXXX  
  
Running down the streets, Mokuba bumped into somebody.  
  
A pretty somebody. His adolescent eyes traveling up the lovely skirt, Mokuba saw the face.  
  
"Serenity?"  
  
XXXXX  
  
Kaiba slid the piece of paper over to Joey, after carefully tearing off the printed caption. He had learned his lesson.  
  
A beating at the door interrupted Tristan, about to start question number 613.  
  
Kaiba visibly whitened, as he remembered what he had told Mokuba. If he didn't answer the personal cell, something was wrong and Mokuba should call the.oh dear.  
  
"Uh..guys? We may have a problem."  
  
Joey looked at Kaiba. "What, you think dat's da-"  
  
"Police! Open up!!"  
  
Before anybody could react, the door burst open and the swat team with riot shields piled into the room. Behind one officer was Mokuba, behind another was Serenity.  
  
"Kaiba?" Recognizing her date for the night, she swept past the law. "Hey, how are you? Are you ready to go yet?" Preparing to take him out, she was stopped by a police-man.  
  
"Sorry ma'am, he can't go yet. He was a witness to a murder here, and we need to question him."  
  
Mokuba interrupted, shyly. "Um.Actually, he WAS the murdered." The officer stared at him. So did Joey. And Tristen. Serenity was too busy staring at Kaiba, who was too busy staring at Joey. He gestured wildly, indicating that this WASN'T his fault, and he should still go on the date.  
  
"See, Big Brother has this personal phone, and I called it, and he didn't answer, and he told me that if he didn't answer his phone something was wrong, and I should call the police, so I did, and I figured that since he was going on a date with Joey's sister, Joey might have killed him or something, 'cause that's what Joey might do, so I called the police and said that Kaiba might have been murdered, cause I thought he had."  
  
Mokuba took a deep breath. "Guess not".  
  
Serenity smiled. "Now that that's all cleared up, Kaiba and I have to go", she exclaimed. "See ya later, Joey, Tristan!!"  
  
Tristan was too busy making strangled noises in his throat to reply.  
  
Joey pulled himself together quickly. "Serenity, wait!! Kaiba an' I ain't finished talkin' yet, we still need to."  
  
Kaiba hurriedly cut in. "Yes we have, I'll treat your sister right, don't worry, I'll see you later". Kaiba bolted down the hallway, dragging Serenity after him.  
  
Mokuba looked at Joey. Joey looked like he was going to explode.  
  
Sensing how volatile the situation was, the police officers began to quietly file out, before the time bomb exploded. They shut the door, accidentally trapping Mokuba in the room. "Oh dear."  
  
Down in a small café, Kaiba and Serenity were amiably chatting over hot chocolate, while awaiting their dinner orders.  
  
"He actually asked you that? I'm so sorry, Kaiba".  
  
"Nah, it's okay. All I had to do was turn up the mystic Kaiba presence of mine, and he left me alone".  
  
A distant rumbling shook the area.  
  
"Wow. Think that was an earthquake, Serenity?"  
  
"Nope. I'm betting Joey finally realized that you left.  
  
XXXXX  
  
Finish.  
  
So, that was my little one shot. Any suggestions?  
  
I realize Kaiba might be acting a little out of character; here's how I rationalized it. For the first time, Kaiba's in a situation where he isn't in control. He wants something, and he can't buy it. The only way for him to get it is to make Joey happy. Since he's spent all this time making Joey UN-happy, I figure he would be at unease, and probably spend the entire time walking on eggshells.  
  
In this situation, I think this is how Joey would react. I have no problem at all imagining that Joey would torture Kaiba for as long as he could, especially in a situation like this. Would he enlist Tristan to help? Probably, especially with the way that Tristan feels about Serenity.  
  
The character that I'm least sure about is Mokuba, because I haven't seen very much of him in the show. I don't know if he has the childlike attitude I gave him here, but I figured it was a safe bet.  
  
Oh yes, Mai. Would she actually do that? If she got to see Kaiba freak out like he does here, I think she would. The question of how far she went I'll leave up to you.  
  
And Joey's speech? That's my attempt to replicate his Brooklyn accent. Sorry if it threw you for a loop, I tried my best.  
  
And finally, the disclaimer. If you've seen 'em move, you hallucinate, or it's owned by somebody other than me. Don't sue.  
  
So. Comments? Questions? Reviews? Suggestions? I don't care what you say, as long as you provide valid proof to back it up. 


End file.
